Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
