Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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