Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
