whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
