He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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