I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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