So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
