Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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