I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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