There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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