I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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