so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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