oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
