I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
