i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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