Jerry, you need to find god
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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