when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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