If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
