i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
