I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
