The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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