Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Fuck appropriateness.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
