I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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