true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
