Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
