Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
