I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
