doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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