I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
