Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
