I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize