No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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