Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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