dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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