Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
