If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
