I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
