I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
