I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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