sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
