i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
