I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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