His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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