I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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