Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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