HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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