She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
