Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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