Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
