I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
