So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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