I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
