I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
