Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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