the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
