So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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