Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
