You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
