I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
