all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
