I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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