Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize