I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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