On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
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