I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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