Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
