11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize