I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
